The Saga of Pantsless Man
by DeathByKaila
Summary: It's about Ness, his friend, and what happens when the pants leave. PG for Drug references and horriblosity. Chapter 4 is up, and as bad as the rest. Don't worry, it's the last one.
1. Default Chapter

Okay, so I'm not going to write more than that if you guys don't like it. R & R and there may be more. Even if you flame, it just feels good to get reviews. Freija made it impossible for me to think as Ness as anything but a pothead, so go read hers, and then blame it on her, not me. So here you go, the saga of PANTSLESS MAN (who coincidently doesn't have a name besides that) Enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Kiss my ass.  
  
  
--------------------------------PANTSLESS MAN  
  
Okay, so one day I'm shooting up on Easy Cheese when I realize that I ain't got no pants. The last time I could remember having them was chillin' with some guy Ness and a crazy night of WhipIts and Xtreme Cheetos. Good times, good times... and more importantly, panted times. I figured that was the best place to start, so I headed to Ness's.  
  
As I approached Ness's house I heard the sound of a massive zipper, and I fell to the ground, unconscious. Dazed and confused, a few minutes later I awoke.  
  
"Ahh.. sweet, sweet pavement. Now, what the hell am I doing out here?"  
  
I looked up and saw Ness's house, so I figured I might as well go see him. Maybe he could fill me in.   
  
I walked up to his house and knocked on the door. He answered, and eyed me suspiciously (Not that he could have done otherwise, his eyes were what were suspicious. I've never known a kid who could get as messed up as Ness, certified grade A pothead. The holes in all the window screens at his house made it look like a frequent drive-by victim, not that he could see them through such blazed out eyes.)  
  
"Do I know you?" He inquired.  
  
"I sure hope so... If you do perhaps you could fill me in." I responded.  
  
"Wait... You do look pretty familiar. Didn't you have pants on last time I saw you?"  
  
As he said this it all came rushing back to me; my pants were lost and I was working on the "found" part of the equation.  
  
"Yeah, I did, you don't know what happened to them, do you?" He waited for a moment before answering,  
  
"No, did ya lose them? Too bad, those were some awesome pants." Aha, so he'd liked them. I then put him on my official suspect list. Then, I noticed something that I couldn't believe I'd overlooked (I blamed it on my blood/Easy Cheese level), Ness wasn't donning any pants, either. This was getting strange...  
  
"Where are your pants? Oh, hello, ma'am," I finished as Ness's mom walked in the room. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm lovely.. it's a bit cold in here, isn't it dears?" She responded.  
  
Not surprisingly, she was pantsless, also. Now, Mrs. Ness was aging nicely, but she had given birth to 3 children. Her pantslessness was rather unattractive, but more than that, it was creepy. Where had all the pants gone? 


	2. The Saga Continues

A/N: Well, now that I come back to my purely FICTIONAL, completely NONSENSICAL, and entirely NOT IN ANYWAY TO DO WITH NESS EXCEPT THAT I WANTED TO PUT IT UNDER SUPER SMASH BROTHERS fan fiction, to be quite honest in the time elapsed I've forgotten the original flow of the rest of the story. Well, I'll figure something out.  
  
  
----------------------------------------When we last left our hero….  
"Mom! Where are your pants?" screeched Ness.   
  
Mrs. Ness looked shocked.  
  
"Oh, my. To be quite honest I hadn't yet noticed that I wasn-''  
  
Once again, I heard just enough of the giant zipper to recognize the noise before hitting the pavement. I awoke shortly after to see Ness and his mom laying, dazed, next to me on the ground. Now, last time I found myself in this situation, I spent 4 nights in jail and ended up paying 3 different women child support for the same kid until I went on Maury to prove that it wasn't mine, and it turned out my carpet cleaner's pet sitter's plumber's 2nd grade teacher who was the real father. Slut. Any who, the point is that it scared the crap out of me.  
  
"What the hell is going on?!" I cried as Ness winked at me.  
  
"Well I'm sure I don't know, dear. I do believe you should put some pants on, though." Mrs. Ness replied"  
  
Pants.. that was it. Every time we thought too thoroughly about pants, we went unconscious. Aha! I would just think IN CODE! Yeah, I could do that.  
  
I wonder why it is that no one is wearing … hats anymore these days. It does seem to me that it's strange that everyone is going bare le- - headed, come to think of it I haven't seen a single… hat in days. Where could they all have gone? My bott- - head sure is cold all bare and what have you. It did seem that my.. hats were all growing quite a bit of facial hair.. I thought it was just the WhipIts… Seems like they were all growing Hitler mustaches for some reason.. but no, that's just weird.   
  
"HEY! Dude, wake up. Where are your pants?" called Ness.   
  
"Hats. You mean hats" I nonchalantly replied.  
  
"But.. why would I .. wait a minute.."  
  
"Am I wearing a hat?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then why aren't you asking me about that?"  
  
"Well that hardly seems uncommon."  
  
"Well there are plenty of people who don't wear pants. I've joined a nudist colony, if you must know."  
  
"But you're still wearing clothes, just not pants"  
  
"What, you expected me to quit cold turkey? I'm recovering, not a magician!!!"  
  
"Um, are we still talking about pants?"  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, what appeared to be a flock of glowing department store legging-display legs whizzed past our head, followed by a troop of argyle socks, complete with little machine guns in argyle-patterned cozies. My thoughts had been confirmed: each one donned a tiny Hilteresque mustache.  
  
"You don't see that every day." Ness quipped.  
  
"I can deal with that." I replied dazedly. 


	3. The Saga Goes On

For reasons I'll never understand, here's another chapter.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------Sorry about this…  
  
  
This was ridiculous. Hosiery cannot grow facial hair. It just… can't.  
  
"This is getting out of hand. Come on you guys, lets.." I began.  
  
Suddenly, in the distance, there was a huge burst of light and smoke. We watched it for a few nanoseconds before the sound reached us, which we expected to be deafening. What we heard was the sound of a plastic bag being ripped open quickly, followed by a small *pop*. This enigmatic sound was the predecessor to a huge rain of socks upon us, of all shapes and sizes, and all neatly balled up.  
  
"Take cover!!!" Mrs. Ness called to us. We all charged under the deck, where we stayed for quite awhile till we were sure the … erm… storm was over. Nevertheless, as I climbed out from under the deck, a sock bounced off my head.  
  
"Ouch! God damnit.. wait a minute!" I unrolled the socks, "What the hell?!?! Who puts lead in their socks?!"  
  
"Some very angry leg-wear, that's who." Replied Ness dazedly (once again, I'm not sure the "dazedness" could have been helped.)  
  
That's when we saw it: scores upon scores of pants, marching in unison. Pants of all color, style, size, shape, and sexual preference. It was beautiful in it's own way, although what idiot took the time to iron all those perfect creases is beyond me.  
  
"It looks to me that someone may have gotten a little out of hand with the starch…" Said Mrs. Ness.  
  
"WE ARE THE PANTS. WE SHALL RULE THIS WORLD AND ALL THAT RESIDE UPON IT USING MASTER TECHNOLOGY, GANDOISE WARFARE, AND SHRUBBERIES!" Cried a pair of pants, apparently a leader.  
  
"Shrubberies?" I queried.  
  
"I MEANT RUTHLESSNESS! THE SHRUBBERIES ARE FOR AFTERWARDS!"  
  
"I really hate to break it to you, but um, you're a pair of pants. Rather, several pairs of pants, but even then, pants."  
  
"Insubordinates!!!! FIRE AT WILL!" Cried the Pant-in-Command.  
  
Upon his cry the pants to his left pulled an old Converse High Top out of his pocket, pulled out the shoelace, counted to 3, and threw it at us. We looked at it apprehensively, stepped back, and waited. And waited. And waited.   
  
The Pant-in-Command's number two .. man.. nudged him, "Dud," he said.  
  
"Well, throw another."  
  
"I haven't got another."  
  
"Why on earth not? You had 5 last night."  
  
"Well you know how I like to….. erm.. Target practice, sir."  
  
"Very well, borrow one."  
  
"Oh for heaven sakes!" cired the shoe, and with that it hoisted itself of the ground, smacked Ness in the head and burst into flames, landing on my crotch.   
  
"Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR HEROS?!? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE HEART STOPPING CONCLUSION OF THE SAGA OF PANTLESS MAN! 


	4. The Saga Finally Freaking Ends

Here it is, the very end. Heart Stopping. Tear-wrenching. Fart knocking. Just read it, these notes are lame.  
  
-----------------------------------------------Dun dun duunnn....  
  
  
"...Dude? Hey, man, wake up."  
  
"Gurgalaaaaaapunashunah"  
  
As my eyes refocused, I looked around to find myself in Ness's garage. It was musty, dark, and smoke-filled. The last thing I remembered was ..a shoe.. shrubberies? Hmm...  
  
"You gotta be more careful with that. You just about burned your pants to the ground. I had to put your crotch out - and you don't even have red hair, huh heh - but let's keep that to ourselves." Ness slurred.  
  
I looked at the crotch of my pants to see a small, smoldery looking hole. As I looked around some more I realized there was something in my hand, it was warm, and beautiful, like the noises a woman makes in bed... I began to turn it over to appreciate it's curves and contours...  
  
"Hey! You're tipping it again! Heh, this is some good shit, ain't it?"  
  
  
  
  
And there is the horrible end to a horible fic. For the 6 of you that read it, I apologize for the 5 minutes of your life that you will never get back. 


End file.
